The Greatest 80’s Action Star… Of The 90´s! Pt.2
1990
ARNOLD:
*Total Recall – I have devoted my life to finding the woman in Total Recall that has three breasts! She’s my holy grail! I found an actress that looks just like her but she only had two. Two measly breasts and you call yourself a woman!?
*Kindergarten Cop – Wanna find out if you gay or not? Watch this movie. If, by the end of it, you’re not balls deep in the boy next door, you’re golden!
DOLPH:
*I Come In Peace – An entire movie created only so that the final fight can end with this quip:
Evil Alien: "I come in peace"
Dolph: "And you go IN PIECES, asshole!"
= Eighties gold!
WINNER:
DOLPH – Arnold tried to kill action movies with Kintergarten Cop and that’s a no-no!
1991
ARNOLD
*T2 – The Terminator is back and this time he’s a Disney character! Other than that the movie is great.
DOLPH:
*Cover Up – Remeber that time your friends came by and you mom let them in without telling you and they walked in on you masturbating? This flick is more embarrassing.
*Showdown In Little Tokyo – Watching an interracial gay couple beat up the Yakuza has never been more heterosexual!
WINNER:
ARNOLD – T2 is almost an amazing movie. Cover Up is almost the cineastic equivalant of having horse shit and cyanide for breakfast.
1992
ARNOLD:
*Christmas In Conneticut – A quick cameo in a made-for-TV remake of an old comedy (directed by Arnold himself). Do anything for you? Didn’t think so.
DOLPH:
*Universal Soldier – JCVD vs The Dolph. Van Damme tries to look cute while showing his bare ass and the D-man is one of the most entertaining movie villains of all time.
WINNER:
DOLPH "fckng" Lundgren
1993
ARNOLD:
*The Last Action Hero – Arnold continues tirelessly on his quest to kill the 80’s action hero in this comedy/kid’s movie combo.
DOLPH:
*Joshua Tree – The alternative title for this movie is "One Man Army"… ’nuff said!
WINNER:
DOLPH – He fights an army of cops AND an army of criminals all while also kidnapping a woman and f*****g her ’til she loves him. It’s a documentary.
1994
ARNOLD:
*Junior – After watching this movie in -94 I completely gave up on humanity and went to live in a cave. I just came came back to write this article.
*True Lies – … Who cares?.. Whatever… Comedy, adventure, tongue-in-cheek.., Bla bla… Suckfest.
DOLPH:
*Pentathlon – How about a boring sports drama? No thanks, Mister, I’m heterosexual!
*Men of War – How slow can an action movie be and still be incredibly awesome? Watch Men Of War to find out.
WINNER:
DOLPH – Hey Arnold, Thanks for "Junior". Asshole!
1995
ARNOLD:
(nothing)
DOLPH:
*Johnny Mneumonic – Looking like an Academy Award worthy actor next to Keanu Reeves is maybe not that difficult, but looking like Hitlers "wet dream version" of Jesus Christ while wiping the floor with Henry Rollins IS.
*The Shooter – Don’t let the name fool you, this is not a great porno flick. It’s a boring thriller.
WINNER:
DOLPH – Johnny Mneumonics "Street Preacher" is the only classic movie villain ever to have total screen time of under a minute.
FINAL SCORE:
ARNOLD: 3
DOLPH: 7
There you have it, my scientific research proves that, without a doubt, Dolph Lundgren is …. The Greatest 80’s Action Star… Of The 90´s! Hooray for Dolph Lundgren! Hooray for Hollywood! And hooray for me!
The Big JP
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